The Great Pyramid
~ Amenti Rama ~

Dancing as healing

"Music without words means leaving behind the mind. And leaving behind the mind is meditation. Meditation returns you to the source. And the source of all is sound" - Kabir

It started as a normal Saturday night. I was preparing to spend yet another night alone; I could already feel this sickening, yet familiar, sensation of emptiness emerging from deep inside me. However, just as I was sitting in front of my computer, preparing to fill the vacuum with loads of texts from the Internet, the idea of checking if there was any goa/psytrance party around there came through my mind. My mother had insisted to lend me her car for a few weeks, so I could go anywhere.

To my surprise, there was a free open-air goa party just next to the town I used to live. I felt some kind of rush of adrenaline, a sign that desire & fear, hope & despair were colliding. However I had learnt in the past year to throw myself in the most uncomfortable situations, mostly because I had become so sick of comfort and emotional/mental "safety". So, despite the fact I felt aweful and it was already past midnight, I decided to go, and as I was walking to the car, I thought that I would make the absolute most of my time there. I consequently forgot about it but it seem to have put a spell on what happened later on.

I arrived there at 1:30am. There was 200-300 people dancing, and some sitting around a big fire. I went to the fire as I didn't feel ready and needed to empty my mind. I had a few small talks with people coming and leaving from the fire. Nothing exciting but a nice way to strip off these good old layers of social anxiety. Then I felt the attraction of the music coming from behind: I wanted to dance! I went near the loudspeakers to really feel the music and started dancing slowly.

My mind drifted to that thing I had read, how Hawaian people prefered to dance in the dark, without lights. It had made me realize that dance was primarily a personal intimate experience. It made a lot of sense and yet it's not really a given, especially in clubs I used to go where it seemed everyone was looking at who was the best looking, best dressed, and other similar egoistic competitions. I had never liked that whole "meat supermarket" thing but it seemed I had unconsciously accepted its assumptions by never immerging myself fully into my inner world.

At this moment, the lights went off, leaving the moon behind the trees as the only source of light. I swear there was something magickal in that accident! I laughed a bit about the fact I could somehow be responsible of that problem which seemed to piss off some people. Regardless, the music didn't stop and this whole synchronicity triggered me: I started to dance madly and forgot everyone around me, going deep inside and ignoring all my self-created mental layers of "problems to solve". Some people were leaving for the big fire, others were whistling to push the organizers to fix the lights... and I was enjoying the darkness thoroughly!

The lights went back after a moment, I'm not sure how long because by this time I was already in trance and had lost all notions of time. I continued for 12 hours, with a few breaks in between when my legs couldn't hold it anymore. But pretty soon, I didn't feel my legs anymore, the pain treshold had been crossed. Physical exhaustion: one of the most direct way to enter into trance/gnosis! Add to this lack of sleep (I woke up early the day before) and food deprivation (I had only eaten something in the late afternoon), and you get an intense trance without any kind of drugs (apart from my nicotin addiction, but cigarettes don't help to enter in trance)

Naturally the music helped a lot. The beauty of psychedelic trance is that it is designed for, well, trances. The fast repetitive beats create a vibration, and the different layers of beats allow an unlimited number of modulation of these vibrations. All you have to do is let them carry you, enter you, change you, move you, bringing you to the deepest amplitudes of your emotions. What you do with your body is only an expression of that resonance you feel inside. Dance puts your awareness away from your mind and back to your body, all the opposite of what this civilization teaches us. Forget all these clever moves you learnt from others: it's about letting go and liberating the body from the prison of the mind.

One big advantage of goa parties is the environment: people go there to experience such states, they are not here for the "meat market" as mentionned above. They don't judge you because you dance too crazily, in fact you are encouraged to do so! Thus the environment is perfect one for the liberation from how we are supposed to be and all these conscious or unconscious social pressures. People don't need to appear "sane", "confident" or "clever", the only thing which matters is the trance experience they all go through.

I went through the full range of dancing. I kept on surprising myself at how creative I could be while just letting myself be carried by the vibrations. Sometimes I danced as madly as I could, until my heart was beating so fast I could almost hear it over the music. Other times I danced very slowly, only moving my arms and brushing my feet on the ground covered with small rocks which gave me the feeling of flying over it. When there was more space to dance, I even did the whole spinning so well known from sufis. I finetuned it to keep my balance and enter into longer space disorientation periods, another direct path to gnosis.

Anyway all this was just a creative response to the interaction between my emotions and the music. It doesn't mean everyone should dance like this. As I said, dancing is a true personal experience. Personnaly, I think that I just needed to let go of all this emotional burden I was carrying. Mad dancing was a way to exorcise them, to throw them out. It also brought one of the greatest joy I have know, a badly needed counter-balance for all the depression I'm going through most of the time. Pretty quickly I felt a need to smile, even though I'm someone who hardly ever smile (especially since I can't bear to do these fake social smiles).

The sun started to rise at about 8am, there was still about one hundred people. Some of them looked burned out from too much drugs, as I had sometimes knew, but personnaly I still felt great and, in fact, better and better! The sun didn't have this aggressive feeling it usually has, it felt like the beginning of a great new day. I decided to celebrate this by going to meditate a moment in the forest. I also thought I should maybe rest my legs a moment -- they didn't hurt at all but I didn't want to misstreat them.

The forest was all around the party, so I just lost myself in some place, still hearing the beats of the music in the background but also the sound of the small animals waking up. The meditation went beautifully. As I sat crosslegged with my back against the trunk of a tree and closed my eyes, I immediately felt a great sensation of light rushing through my body. Maybe it's a bit cliché but it's the only words I can find for that beautiful experience. It allowed me to find again my center and, when I went back to dance, it was even better.

What happened then was not expected: I had went deep enough in my inner world to be able to emerge in the outer world and still feel real and alive. I started getting more aware of how people were dancing, seeing the beautiful vibration we were all generating. It was already the day so we could all see each other, and the only people left were the crazier. I kept on dancing, it felt so natural I didn't need to put any awareness into that, and I could focus in feeling like part of a whole. One thing which worked extremly well was to quickly alternate between my inner world (by closing my eyes or looking down) and the outer world. What I've learnt is that it was a necessity to find my center before I could relate with others in an authentic way. You need self-love to be able to truly love others.

Usually I'm pretty bad at "getting" social cues, this is why it's so easy for me to start imagining all kind of negative things about what people think of me, and why I can get so obsessed about it. I realize that my "everyone is beautiful" stance may be due in part to my imagination, but I also noticed a change in the way people were toward me. Several of them came to talk with me rather spontaneously. I assumed it was a response to my openness, and thus that it was not "all in my head", or rather that my inner world could change the outer world.

It made me even happier to realize that all the "issues" I had been struggling with could be changed so easily (at least temporarily, I'll get back to that later). It confirmed the idea that the only thing which can change ourselves is direct experience of reality, ie living. All the mental structures we build to hold our precious egos only serve to hide, twist and ultimately worsen what we don't like about ourselves. It's well know that it's much easier to change attitudes and perspectives while in hypnosis, and dance is of course a form of hypnosis. We are not trapped anymore in the self-created borders of our ego and thus our unconscious is able to accept new ideas much more easily.

In such a state, everything also appears much more clearly. Doors appear in our mental walls. In the first few hours, I found simple elegant solutions for several "problems" which had been occupying my mind for a few weeks. I put together several missing pieces of the puzzle of my existence. I said before that our attention should be put into the body and emotions while dancing, but if a few good ideas "pop up" from our unconscious during this time, it would be stupid to ignore and forget them.

At 2pm, when the music finally stopped, we were still about 20 there. Still feeling exhilerated from the whole thing, I went to talk to a guy I had seen dancing before. He turned out to be from my city so I offered the ride back to him and his friend. With such a sunny day, we decided to go to the nearby lake and stayed there a few hours. I was seeing everything as in a beautiful dream and I still didn't feel any exhaustion or pain in my legs! When I went back home at 6pm, I took some time to write down and develop the ideas I had while dancing in the first hours, preferring to do it while the experience was fresh, then I jumped in my bed and fell asleep immediately. It was a crazy day, full of hope and joy.


As expected, this episode of pure joy brought me back into a short but deep depression a few days later. The ego will do all it can to keep its grip on us. But it still operated some kind of quantum leap in me and I really felt changed and ready to progress further. More importantly, it brought an immense relief from all the things I've been struggling with. It's hard to explain in words as the whole thing was almost entirely beyond words, so all I can say is: experience this yourself if you haven't already!

Such an event, if we know how to use it, has everything to do with a magickal free area or a temporary autonomous zone. It creates a vortex in the spacetime continuum which allows all of us to experience reality in a different (or more direct) way, to enrich our psychocosm, such that when we come back to the "normal" reality of this civilization, we are forever changed and we can in turn change our environment, our way to relate with others, and contribute to the evolution of consciousness. Naturally it doesn't eliminate all the ups and downs of life, but it sure wouldn't be life otherwise?